Balancing Parent and Educator

I read one homeschooling manual which recommends that kids call their mom 'Mrs. Ward' during school and 'Mom' during non-school time. Talk about fostering a split personality! I would never go so far myself but it does flag up an interesting issue of separating your different roles in your child's life.

This is written from the perspective of more than 30 years in the homeschool world - first as a child being homeschooled myself in a family with 9 children and now as a homeschool teacher of my own kids.

In my experience there are days which are totally given over to homeschool verses other days totally given over to parenting.

There were days when my mom was a stellar teacher - but she really only spoke to us when reading Socrates outloud or whipping through our checklist or doing 'group time' which included Latin drills, grammar songs, and logic. A lot of teaching happened, but not a lot of parenting.

There were other days when Mom disciplined us, forced everyone to brush their teeth and flossed for them, taught people how to tie their shoes, took us to dentist appointments, changed diapers, fed us three meals and we didn't get any school done. She just parented.

And that is okay.

I have known a lot of homeschoolers who seemed skewed all of the time one way or the other. They were either brilliant academicians or amazing disciplinarians/etiquette-instructors but not both.

I've known a lot of academically superior homeschoolers who were absolute savages. Their mother - who usually has a phD or at least a masters - did a brilliant job educating them, but they were wild, snot-nosed brats who didn't have bedtimes, regular baths, dental hygiene, expectations for how they dressed in public, enforced rules about siblings' or other people's personal space or property. Once I saw a kid snatch his older sister's birthday presents and rip them open without permission - that's to be expected in a 1 year old but this kid was 6! One such mother told me: 'I raise children who are a bit free range' but inside I was thinking 'or let's just call them completely feral!' These kids have no problem with multiplication tables, but tell little girls at homeschool events that they are rubbish at games and make them cry.

actual footage of what boys sneak off to do at homeschool event

On the other end of the spectrum you have homeschool parents who are nurturing but firm disciplinarians. They raise emotionally-intelligent, mature human beings who know how to shake hands with grown-ups, make eye contact, brush their teeth, and have a regular schedule for sleep, eating and bathing. These mothers' gift is parenting but these mothers are usually the ones who wail to other parents at support groups about how under-achieving they are academically. They tend to outsource the teaching of certain subjects and scramble at years' end to finish a grade for more than one child. Their kids often miss homeschool events because they didn't finish their homework, and everyone is bummed because those kids are the most pleasant ones to have around.

I have occasionally met moms who were good at both but they tend to have dark circles under their eyes. They also have a grace for themselves and come up with strategies to help with the follow-through, such as:

• being consistent (though everyone has a Pregnancy Mode and a Not Pregnant Mode)
• choose your battle's time - if the kids are freshest for academics in the morning, school in the mornings
• have a routine including Nap time or at least down time for Mom if not anyone else
• turn flaws into strengths - you know - the child who is bossy has 'leadership potential' etc. But this works for mothers too. If you're blasted by 10 am and need to lie down during baby's first nap, just run a 7-10 am school day every day year round and don't take the summers off. Do evaluate after a few months - the ones 8 and up might need to work a bit longer especially if they enjoy slow motion schooling.

What are the results? The academically superior families generally turn out successful kids who get dream jobs handed to them.... and suddenly have epiphanies in their late teens about appropriate dressing and teeth brushing. They tend not to marry or relate well inter-personally into their twenties.

The well-disciplined children tend to get less glamorous jobs but get married to great people and have many friends. It's a shame to see some really intelligent people with loads of Christian university debt working minimum wage jobs but these people often manage to interview well and eventually climb up the ladder, or find a high flying wife or husband who supports them so it doesn't hurt them in the long run too much.

Priorities

It can be so easy as a homeschool parent to get wrapped up in the numbers and checklists, and lose sight of the child.

Disclaimer: I am aware that a number of the academically superior are on the autism spectrum or have other struggles which make basic etiquette harder than the Pythagorean theorem. But I would argue they need more - not less - training in learned 'high functioning' behaviors. They will eventually learn the hard way if you don't manage to get through to them.

On the one hand, if your kids are doing great academically but are absolute horrors at church or in public because of a lack of discipline, you should probably take off from school to discuss these issues with your husband and come up with some new rules. Just be consistent about follow-through.

If on the other hand it's been months since you actually sat down and spoke to a child about something other than schoolwork, that's a problem. Ask someone to babysit so you can take that child on a date! [Coronovirus version: get your spouse to watch the other kids so you can play a boardgame or eat icecream alone in the kitchen with that child!]

It is also possible to be the other extreme of not really getting any schoolwork done, but doing a lot of parenting and still be exhausted. I find it helpful to step back at times like this and try to find new ways to either self-motivate the kids, help them start new and better habits, re-prioritize my own checklist or in the most recent times we put a lock on the lego room door and that door does not open till all the school is done! We have become a lot higher achieving at school since, surprise surprise.

So if you have to err one way or the other, to which extreme do you go?

Clearly if you choose to homeschool and your child is gifted academically, it would be like burying a talent to ignore that gift.

Is it worth losing sight of character training and discipline? Whether you homeschool or not, parenting - creating boundaries and standards - is important for a child and Prov 22:6 would back me up on that. It is important for producing children who will be good workers, friends, citizens and spouses someday.

Both are important.

With the coronovirus outbreak, suddenly most people are having a lot more time and opportunity to parent their children -4-10 hours more per day for some people! It can be hard work.

In the face of the plethora of online advice which mostly seems to be the 'don't stress' and 'have fun lolling about under blankets watching tv' sort of breed of advice I would like to say to you make the most of it. You may never have this sort of concentrated time with your kids again - with so few distractions and outside commitments.

Don't waste all your energy making it fun for the kids. If you have energy, put it towards the kids' futures. Towards storing knowledge and building integrity. They will thank you someday.

I myself would choose disciplining over academics if I had to choose - though ideally I'd have both. I feel I was a parent first, homeschooler second. You can only get so far in life as a grumpy genius or spoiled savant.